Monday, April 01, 2013

No, really. What's In Your Handbag?


If I was a magazine editor I would run the show with an iron fist. I'd keep the iron fist in the top drawer of my desk and bring it out on one occasion, to enforce one very special rule. The only rule. I'd send a memo around to all staff on a Friday night, just as they're leaving the office and thinking about all of the fun ways they're going to spend the weekend. They'd quickly scan my email, informing them about the meeting being scheduled for 9am on Monday which will be held in response to one of the features being run in the April issue. I will tell them that it has come to my attention that a feature is being run which violates The Rule. Every experienced member of staff will know word-for-word how this meeting will go, even before it happens. They will think about it as they're putting on their coat to leave the office that night and again while they're browsing flowers on Columbia Road on Saturday morning and again when they're handwashing their tights over the bathroom sink on Sunday evening.

The meeting will be tense but short and to the point. And everybody who attends the meeting will never forget the words of The Rule. The assistant who wrote the feature will absolutely never forget the rule and for 6 months will carry her belongings to work in her pockets in order to avoid the associations with The Rule as provoked by her handbag.

The rule goes like this:

"In the event of a 'What's In Your Handbag?' feature, please ask yourself these questions and only proceed with the article is the answer to either is yes. 1. Is the subject Mary Poppins? 2. Does the bag belong to a traveling salesman specialising in now-defunct magical sweeties only available on the black market (which are still, miraculously still within their expiry date)?"

My point and my question really is this: "Why are handbag features a thing?" Like all brilliant imaginary magazine editors, (or the Carrie Bradshaw of 2013) I voiced this question aloud on Twitter. These features are really, really not very interesting. I would much rather see the contents of a fridge or a wardrobe or a personal photo album because these things are actually revealing of a person. (Well, the fridge doesn't really, in the food department I'm just nosey) But anyone can carry around keys and a phone and some lipbalm. And what makes these features boring is the fact that they are usually completely unbelievable, comically so! If you look into one of these bags, on a blog or in a magazine, they contain 2 heavyweight SLR cameras, a dog-eared copy of Camus's The Plague, a Stila blusher, a small shell-shaped compact mirror, an iphone and a moleskine. Come on! Where are your tampax? Look into your best friend's bag and it will contain a bus pass, some loose filters, a snotty tissue and a McDonalds straw wrapper. (I know this because she faithfully replied to my tweet listing the exact contents.)

For research purposes, please allow me to reveal the mediocre contents of my bag for your delectation:


You will find: Wallet (in dire need of a sort-out in light of fact that fat receipt situation will not allow the clasp to close), 2 separate sets of keys, a bike light, headphones, a make-up brush (yet notable absence of blusher) Railcard, Make-up bag, 2 pens, an orange, deodorant, chewing gum, lots of tissues- grabbed from the dispenser of the toilet on the train I travelled on this weekend.

I very much enjoyed some of the contents of bags on Twitter which did indeed reveal something about the owners and lack any of the glamour of the unbelievable magazine features. See Anna's rotten apple and selection of whiteboard pens which show in very real terms her progress as a teacher-in-training. Teachers in cartoons have shiny apples on their desks! They must end up buried forgotten in handbags, slowly rotting.. Kat, who describes herself on her Twitter bio as 'A lover, not a fighter' carries Pom Bears in her bag. Naturally, the ultimate sharing, caring, extended olive-branch of animal shaped potato snacks. Fiona's bag pays tribute to her Easter bank holiday, containing confetti and eggs shells from a 'drunken Easter egg hunt'. Brilliant. Evidently a lot of what these features are missing is the crucial back story behind our bag crap. As the famous saying goes, "On the shoulder of every Great Woman, hangs a mediocre handbag."

7 comments:

Camille said...

I really like this post, although I have to say I always feel curious to see what's in other people's bags (and fridges, and closets). My reaction to 'What's in your bag' posts and features almost always goes like this: a little flutter of excited nosiness, disappointment at the colour-coordinated contents, hope I may learn some revolutionary organisational trick by reading the accompanying paragraph, sigh for having wasted my time. Also, your wallet's non-closing state is nothing compared to mine: I notoriously carry around a wallet dubbed by my coworkers an "old bachelor's wallet" because it's apparently a 'man's' flip wallet (wallets are gendered?) and it's always overflowing with Canada Post's gigantic receipts. Either Canada Post should make smaller receipts, or I should consider buying a bigger wallet, as regular sorting is not a viable option.

Samantha said...

This is why transparent bags are never becoming a thing!

Selina said...

I can't deny that I love to have a look inside people's bags, however like yourself I prefer to see contents that are 'real' and reveal character.
:)

hatmanualexandra said...

Yeah, I agree with Selina. It's funny how you can get to know a person by knowing what it's in her/his bag or pockets. I always carry with me a big wallet (and it's so heavy that even when I have few things in my bag, it is still heavy because of my wallet, lol), a notebook, two pens (just in case :D), my mp3, a pink lipstick, my phone, napkins, keys with lots of trifles, and a perfume, once in a while. I guess these don't say much about me as it's usual stuff people have in their bags :-?

hatmanualexandra said...

Yeah, I agree with Selina. It's funny how you can get to know a person by knowing what it's in her/his bag or pockets. I always carry with me a big wallet (and it's so heavy that even when I have few things in my bag, it is still heavy because of my wallet, lol), a notebook, two pens (just in case :D), my mp3, a pink lipstick, my phone, napkins, keys with lots of trifles, and a perfume, once in a while. I guess these don't say much about me as it's usual stuff people have in their bags :-?

E B Snare said...

Loved this post - I know exactly what you mean about that sort of handbag post. Who carries round their iPad, DSLR, iPhone and keys without ever getting the buggers scratched? Mine mostly contains pens and fluff.

Elly

Jen said...

I love this post! And this blog. I'm kicking myself that I've only just come across it. My bag is filled to shit with crumpled up tissues and tampons that have long lost their wrappers. Not forgetting the bits of metal that have fallen off my bike nor the mandatory 4 pots of Vaseline lip balm which you constantly buy because they always go missing.
If I see another 'what's in my bag' article which features immaculate Kate Spade diaries and clean make brushes I think I will scream.
Thank you!